So much has changed in 3 years... I've been sober 2 years and 5 months. I take my recovery very seriously now. My Cancer has been in remission but I still feel fear every 6 months they check it. I was diagnosed with pseduotumor cerebri / intracranial hypertension last October 24th. 3 spinal taps later and 1,000 milligrams of Diamox and I'm still losing my eyesight. There's no cure. It's so rare they aren't even researching it until they have 3,000 people in the US that register. I'm 2,640... Half of my life has been spent in fear. Wondering just how long is have. Most days I do just fine, life keeps moving even if you want it to stand still. The only proudness I feel is that I've gotten through this sober. I keep right on ticking, but on the bad days I wonder why I'm bothering. I live for others... My tiny purpose on this planet other than pain and fear is to take care of what others are afraid of while I sit in my own shit waiting for a hand to hold myself. That hand never comes... I guess some people are the rocks. It just sucks sometimes being the only rock that holds my world together. When you aren't living through it, you can't expect people to get it. It is what it is. Sometimes you're the sneaker and sometimes you're the shit under it.